Stormy and cold
Pat is a kindergarten teacher, stuck in a cycle. Week after week he’s low on energy, often cold and angry with colleagues, short on sleep, and has difficulty communicating with his girlfriend, Eva. He cares deeply about teaching kids but struggles to communicate and feel at his best. Inside, he’s stuck in a stormy sea, looking for relief.
Insight from listening
Pat wanted calm, discipline, and connection in life so he came to me for therapy to seek out the root cause of what was in the way. I was keen to work with him because he seemed eager to dive in.
Pat told me his story of being an orphan and having dual identities as Chinese and American. He didn’t feel accepted anywhere and because of that, there was a constant sense of anxiety inside him. He felt at peace when he could naturally be himself and voice his truth, but a part of him didn’t feel safe expressing his real feelings. Because of that, he struggled to feel his emotions. This block created conflict, triggering his mind to spin, and the ensuing survival mode dramatically affected his mood, focus, and relationships.
To examine the root cause and break the cycle, the central question for us was: what got in the way of Pat’s authenticity and how to re-establish that connection within himself?
One of the things Pat talked about was the importance of authentic relationships, and it became clear that listening was important to him and he wanted to get better at it. So the inquiry turned toward listening: What does listening mean to you? When have you felt deeply listened to? When is it hard to listen? How do you feel about silence?
A spark of stillness
During the inquiry, Pat told a story about a couch surfer named Doug who stayed with him. They became fast friends and shared experiences of their solo travels. Doug sparked a conversation about personal experiences which made Pat open up about his life. Doug listened with full attention and without judgment which gave Pat a sense of acceptance and security, and because of that Pat felt seen to a new depth. During therapy, Pat passionately talked about this connection as deeply spiritual which really elevated his understanding of himself and the world.
Pat and Doug sat in the living room and meditated together in silence. There was a quality of aloneness they shared that softened the underlying anxiety he’d been carrying around. Their friendship became a safe container where the two could be present with a sense of trust and belonging.
We heal in the context of relationships and this connection in Pat’s life triggered clarity into his own values and aspirations. This insight, along with a set of self-regulation practices, sparked a series of changes in the ensuing months.
In direct contact
For the first time, Pat and Eva meditated together. Over time, he felt more and more in direct contact with his internal world and at ease. The storm had settled and he regained a calm focus. “I can feel the quality of my thoughts and emotions,” He said to me. His sleep improved and his energy level was on the rise. He asserted his need to his manager in a way that conveyed an empathic vision for the school. He felt heard and in tune with a purpose. Pat was excited about the future and was quite eager to grow as a listener and learner.
Pat’s story is a reminder that sometimes a new guest can feel like an old friend, and silence can be a doorway to trust. Listening is the fastest way to build trust because it triggers unconscious feelings to surface, liberating us from our own defense.
Author
Arya Salehi is a storyteller and growth coach, helping people open doors to trust and belonging in themselves and their relationships. He believes in asking the right questions rather than having all the answers.