Emotional regulation is key to forming authentic relationships and healthy boundaries. But this isn’t about staying relaxed, stable, and conflict-free. It’s about staying flexible, kind, and tactful. The capacity to self-regulate allows a person to swiftly move through the various states without getting entangled in shame and survival.
Shame is a sneaky one and can implicitly amplify the survival state fueled by fear and anxiety. The way to uproot shame is by facing its root and listening without judgment.
High’s and low’s is not the problem. Unresolved relational trauma is what gets a person stuck which makes aloneness unbearable. To get things done through strong relationships it’s important to achieve reasonable openness and ease, where trust becomes vital. As the saying goes, listening is the fastest way to build trust.
By listening intensely, the other’s nervous system is able to upgrade to the present, allowing them to be nurtured by their own being/aloneness. the shadowy parts can be treated as guests and healthy boundaries can form artfully and naturally.
And yes, we’ll make mistakes or be insensitive, or be over-reactive. Sometimes having control isn’t the point. It’s about staying open-minded and responsive in the here and now, and being moved in a diversity of ways.
Great listeners are not one-dimensional people.
Arya Salehi is a storyteller and growth coach, helping people foster trust and behavioral change in themselves and their relationships. He believes in asking the right questions, rather than having all the answers.